Ooo you wanna read my thoughts so badly ooo.
ReturnI'll keep it short; it's hard to be an artist...in the Philippines. It's hard to be one, I can see it. A friend of mine told me that it's the competition, which is true. But that's only one factor. It's hard to be an artist, overall, not just in the Philippines. Artists would be lucky if they manage to climb the ladder, to grow their account, to break past the algorithm. As long as they do it right, and get hella lucky, then they've made a stable base where they can open commissions to help themselves. In other cases, it's just more...tiis. A hope that maybe all the hard work will pay off, that the right audience will come by, that you will make it.
You will make it, right?
Luck didn't smile on me, and I didn't smile at it back. I didn't bother about sharing my art anymore when I started feeling the weight of this responsibility. Honestly, it was on me that I couldn't bear it. But how many others have also done so? How many others have tried and realized the futility? I applaud those who are still trying, still hoping, but to those who have given up like me...I wish you hadn't. I wish you hadn't given up like me, a person who gives up so easily at the slightest of challenges. I wish you still kept hoping, kept posting, that maybe you'll get lucky and blow up.
But who am I to decide on your decisions?
It's hard to be an artist...from the Philippines. Not only is the algorithm racist (or well...so I thought when I placed the Philippine flag on my bio), but I can't help but be frustrated that I can't help my fellow artist. My allowance is high, but if I try to commission and help every artist out there...what would be left for me? Maybe I'm just being selfish, maybe I'm just heeding what this character said to that character about having a bleeding heart- maybe I couldn't help but see them as more competition in trying to get customers in a market that doesn't need art.
I've a friend who once told me that the drawing I made for them would've ran them some cash if it were a commission. I could only laugh and wave it off. Maybe it was the weight of responsibilities that came with commissions (considering I bit more than what I can chew in my last attempt...thankfully it was with another friend and I didn't made them pay upfront out of concern for their wallet). It's most likely that (on top of my inability to communicate my boundaries and discomforts). Regardless, there was guilt while making commissions, especially for friends. They shouldn't be doing this, y'know...supporting me. I guess I was used to everyone cheering me on and just not commissioning me. Or maybe it was the few times I was paid to make custom art for my mom an aunt, wherein I first felt immense pressure to deliver that I forgot basic courtesy. Yes, it's most likely that. Pressure. I'm fine with everyone cheering me on, because who the hell has budget for art these days?
Who the hell has the budget for art at all?
I know the people who cheered me on, who suggested I should do commissions, wouldn't really commission me. I drew a visible boundary that I will never do commissions. Not after the amount of times I devalued myself, not when I know that I'll just be lost in a sea of other artists, not when I fully gave up trying to be an artist on the internet. What's the use of paying myself "fairly" when that itself is expensive enough? Why should I use pity in hopes someone would fall for it and maybe...just maybe even follow me? I hated how I can never find the balance in these questions. I've grown to know that lowballing one's prices will crash the market, but this is the Philippines...who would want to pay 600 pesos for a full art piece when that money could be going else where? Someone, everyone will say. Someone who is willing to pay that much, they all say.
I'm not gonna lie, use that money on artists who need it the most. If you want a drawing, just ask me. Just be warned that it will highly depend on my mood. Which reminds me that I am drawing a wallpaper for a friend of mine. Of course, it's just a request, but with the few lunches and some gifts that they gave to me...I feel obliged to finish it for them. I hate being indebted to people, especially my friends.
Have I gotten sidetracked? My apologies, I tend to do that a lot. Where was I? Ah...yeah, I guess. It's hard to be an artist, both in general and in the global south. Unless you got lucky, unless you're feeding a fandom with your art, unless you are anything, actually; you're better off doing something else than trying to sell your art. I know there are a bunch of other different ways you can do that, y'know, selling your art, but commissions really are the best way to go. And the highest one to boot if you're a big shot. Maybe if you have something like VGen (something notoriously hard to do if you're a small artist who can barely even get a hundred likes) the global north would come FLOCKING. But knowing how it is, how artists would keep on hoping that they get lucky...it's hard. USD really is a gateway considering the horrendous exchange rates now (I used to remember when it was 50, and I know people who remember it when it was 20). Imagine: a commision that costs 20 bucks would be 1.2k which would do a lot for an artist. Just that- not all of us have that reach. Well, of course there are those who chose not to use VGen (dear god that percentage cut-), but at least there is a market for them to cater to. Ah, who am I kidding? My pessimism is just talking at this point. Why am I allowing nihility to consume me?
Probably because I just gave up trying...I gave up just because I ended up in stagnance.
I once hoped that I can be able to earn money as an artist, to buy stuff that I otherwise am financing my allowance just to buy. I think there are other artists who thought of this as well, and other artists who use this as means of necessity. I still am hoping for the best (which I think all other artists are also wishing upon seeing these types of commissions) for these guys. Then again, we're all trying and hoping for the best, no matter what situation we're in (I hope I did not downplay those who are really in need). At this point, I gave up on trying. But to the few of those out there who still do, I wish you the best of luck as you are ones most worthy of it.
Please do not paint in your room without proper ventilation. I'm learning it the hard way now that my health is paying the price of my own self-hatred. I do not know what may become of my heart, but I do know that I am now allergic to my favorite dog. I would be coughing intensly, telling myself I'll be fine later one, only to chough, sneeze, and have itchy eyes for 5 minutes straight. Recently (almost half a year or so), I've been painting in my room. I've been using modeling paste with my paints and the smell it produces is strong enough to be toxic. But I played it down, thinking I would be fine as long as I properly ventilated my room. I forgot. I forgot to ventilate my room. I painted in my closed off room wherein the smell of paint built itself up. I cannot tell, now, that my room smells heavily of paint. It took my parents, and others, to tell me that my room reeks of paint. I couldn't tell.
Now they are moving me out of my room whenver I paint. The last thing they want is their child dying to suffocation because of their reckless action. I didn't care for myself much, and wanted to die. I would rather die doing what I love, than to live surviving day after day rather than living it as intended. If I stayed in that room for any longer, if I continued painting, throwing any regard for my safety away, I would have complicated my health to a critical state. Worst, suffocating in my sleep from paint fumes. Well, if that itself is enough to kill me.
This blog has been deleted for the sake of not getting flagged by TurnitIn.
If there's one thing that my brother found out about me is that I'm very much like our father. If there's something I want, there's a high chance I will turn it down. Especially if I already have what I wanted. My mother doesn't know what gifts to give me, and I doubt my father knows any better. My brother knows partly what I want and what I hope for, and he gets frustrated whenever I deny myself it. My sister, equally, questioning my life decisions; she wonders why I assume things so quickly. I'm just protecting myself from the inevitable disappointment. Well...maybe that's how I perceive it. In the end, I end up living a life full of regrets. How...funny... Maybe once I get my yearbook, I'll see the quote I've written. It was between "I could live life so intensely that I could die in any moment without regret" or "I could wish for nothing more than to die for a childish dream in which I truly believed", both are from Ryunosuke Akutagawa's stories.
As cliche as that sounds, it summarizes the life I've lived so far. I fear the day that I finally figured out what it means to be free, what it means to truly live, is the same die that it also ends. Once I figure out how to live life, I will end up dying from my joy for it. I don't think I can ever live that life, because I don't believe I truly deserve it. If there's one thing I learn, it would be believing in yourself first. For as long as you don't believe in yourself, it's impossible to believe what others tell what you're truly capable of. Still, I hope for the day I become "free", living life as it was intended without being told to do so.
We live and die like the stories before us. It is only a matter of time before we, too, turn back into stars. Unless we live without regret, we might as well be bound for the eternal abyss. So live life as you know it. And live without regrets.
By gods...why am I living my life full of regrets?
I'm just like my father. I rarely allow myself to buy things that I like, nor voice out what I really want. But my father has his own reasons. I have mine. And mine stems from my worthiness to allow myself to indulge in such things. I can't. I'm not allowed to. I shouldn't be allowed to. Still, it's bad enough that I hope someone reads my mind on what I really want. But I'd rather not. I'd rather keep all the things I want so selfishly to the grave.
I really wish I can actually get into this face care thing. It looks oddly satisfying to do, but it takes up so much time... Then again, the price of beauty. I still wish I can have a face care routine. I've been...abandoning any sort of care I have on myself. It's hard to see worth in yourself when you're struggling any worth in living. I really want to put effort in my appearnce, it's just that I end up forgetting so badly. Why is it so hard to get myself to take care of myself? That's a question that many still haven't figured out. I wonder...if I can finally get myself to put effort to take care of myself even for a little bit. I really want to take care of myself, but I can't help but hate my face over and over again.
I don't know how this blogging thing works. My site ain't that banger tbh because I don't know how this entire thing works. I don't really mind it being this empty because it's the closest thing I can simulate to being lost. The thing is is that it's not "lost" enough. I think it's too cruel to blast pure white into everyone's eyeballs which is why I decided on the void. I hope sooner or later I can create the design I've come up for the site. My only issue is understanding how CSS works now that I have a rough understanding of HTML.