Ooo you wanna read my thoughts so badly ooo.
ReturnThis blog has been deleted for the sake of not getting flagged by TurnitIn.
If there's one thing that my brother found out about me is that I'm very much like our father. If there's something I want, there's a high chance I will turn it down. Especially if I already have what I wanted. My mother doesn't know what gifts to give me, and I doubt my father knows any better. My brother knows partly what I want and what I hope for, and he gets frustrated whenever I deny myself it. My sister, equally, questioning my life decisions; she wonders why I assume things so quickly. I'm just protecting myself from the inevitable disappointment. Well...maybe that's how I perceive it. In the end, I end up living a life full of regrets. How...funny... Maybe once I get my yearbook, I'll see the quote I've written. It was between "I could live life so intensely that I could die in any moment without regret" or "I could wish for nothing more than to die for a childish dream in which I truly believed", both are from Ryunosuke Akutagawa's stories.
As cliche as that sounds, it summarizes the life I've lived so far. I fear the day that I finally figured out what it means to be free, what it means to truly live, is the same die that it also ends. Once I figure out how to live life, I will end up dying from my joy for it. I don't think I can ever live that life, because I don't believe I truly deserve it. If there's one thing I learn, it would be believing in yourself first. For as long as you don't believe in yourself, it's impossible to believe what others tell what you're truly capable of. Still, I hope for the day I become "free", living life as it was intended without being told to do so.
We live and die like the stories before us. It is only a matter of time before we, too, turn back into stars. Unless we live without regret, we might as well be bound for the eternal abyss. So live life as you know it. And live without regrets.
By gods...why am I living my life full of regrets?
I'm just like my father. I rarely allow myself to buy things that I like, nor voice out what I really want. But my father has his own reasons. I have mine. And mine stems from my worthiness to allow myself to indulge in such things. I can't. I'm not allowed to. I shouldn't be allowed to. Still, it's bad enough that I hope someone reads my mind on what I really want. But I'd rather not. I'd rather keep all the things I want so selfishly to the grave.
I really wish I can actually get into this face care thing. It looks oddly satisfying to do, but it takes up so much time... Then again, the price of beauty. I still wish I can have a face care routine. I've been...abandoning any sort of care I have on myself. It's hard to see worth in yourself when you're struggling any worth in living. I really want to put effort in my appearnce, it's just that I end up forgetting so badly. Why is it so hard to get myself to take care of myself? That's a question that many still haven't figured out. I wonder...if I can finally get myself to put effort to take care of myself even for a little bit. I really want to take care of myself, but I can't help but hate my face over and over again.
I don't know how this blogging thing works. My site ain't that banger tbh because I don't know how this entire thing works. I don't really mind it being this empty because it's the closest thing I can simulate to being lost. The thing is is that it's not "lost" enough. I think it's too cruel to blast pure white into everyone's eyeballs which is why I decided on the void. I hope sooner or later I can create the design I've come up for the site. My only issue is understanding how CSS works now that I have a rough understanding of HTML.